Questions

I live on the ground floor of a 3 storey block of flats, a woman on the top floor has an issue with me as a disabled person. “Cripple” “freak” and “spastic” are her usual insults. She regularly takes my rubbish from the wheelie bins and scatters it about in the hope that I will be evicted so “normal” people dont need to be around me. I have to wonder if my trans status would mean I would be in danger from not just her but others around here who think the same way. Will I get beaten, attacked, murdered? I have thought hard about how much to let on to my neighbours and other members of the local community, how much they will notice with my transition, but havent really given any thought to my safety in my quest for happiness and discovery of the true me. Yet as her torment worsens over my disability I have to face issues of my safety regarding my trans status. I admit that in the bigoted view of some people I’m not “normal” – disabled, in the wrong body…

How am I to handle this?
Where do I start?
I’m hoping at the next Trans meeting some of the women there have faced similar hate from others to help guide me through.

In the mean time I am now too scared of the abuse I get that I dont go outside if I can help it. Living like this stinks but what can I do?

Oh well, hope she will meet her match soon… I dont feel I should have to continually defend who I am.. One day….

London Film and Comic Con

I spent this past weekend staying in London for the convention. I figured that I could just be myself not being around anyone that I know, and it was wonderful! It was so liberating to just be myself. I now know that I pass publicly, which allowed me to use the gents and be introduced to people as Steve, no make believe, no pretense.

I was referred to as “sir” twice, called a gentleman, and a lovely woman told her kids that if they didnt sit still the man – me – would tell them off!

I felt so good being myself that coming home is all the more upsetting, having to put the mask on again and be someone else. Hopefully it wont be long and I can be open, throw away the mask for good.

Packer Day 2

After 2 days of constantly wearing Mr Right, I can say for certain it is amazing!

It stays in position perfectly, and warms to my body temperature quickly.

It was definitely the right choice to spend a bit more for this level of quality.

On a different note, I watched “Boys Dont Cry” again today, and feel that I need to say something about the importance of Brandon Teena’s life for all of us trans guys. Because of his struggle and brutal murder, there is so much more awareness that MtF is not the only form of transgenderism, and because of him the streets are a little safer for us all. Thanks.to a combination of this awareness and the ubiquitousness of the internet, it is possible for all us trans guys to purchase specialist packers rather than packing with socks. We are at best accepted and at worst tolerated in todays society, and Brandon’s story has the ability to move the masses to tears.

Thank you Mr Teena. RIP Sir.

I have spent much of today reflecting on my life and the many advantages I have. Had I been born into a previous century I wouldnt have the freedom to just be myself but would have no choice to play act my whole life. I am sure that some “women” would have been transmen, and yet have to fit in with society, feeling wrong and never knowing why.

I’m going to make a serious effort not to ever complain again.

Packer

My new packer arrived this morning, and after playing around with a range of different underwear ive found that tighter boxers work best.

I got the Mr Right from Vixen Creations and can only say 1 thing about it: Amazing! I felt an intense confidence boost straight away. I have heard that the Mr Right causes you to look like you have a permanent boner, and with looser boxers I would agree, but with tighter underwear it just gives a wonderful natural looking bulge.

I am ecstatic right now, and feel that I now look a lot more like me… Why couldnt I have just been born this way?

My first packer was a Mr Limpy, but had a range of problems with that, it was far too pink for starters, and also far too stretchy. It was easily squashed so my “bulge” just looked like a crease in my jeans 😦 It also had a tendency to go for a walk even when harnessed. The Mr Right on the other hand, Ive been wearing for 2 hours now and it hasnt moved out of position once!

So now Im off to face the world, manhood intact and see where my new confidence takes me!

Letter

I have decided to write a letter to my mum to come out to her rather than risk an argument in person before she’s had time to think things through. What do you think:

Mum,
First please know that I love you, but I am also aware that after reading this you may see that as irrelevant.

I have decided to write to you to allow you time to process what I am about to tell you so there isnt an argument on the basis of a knee jerk reaction.

Know that it has taken a lot for me to be able to write this and be honest with you, but I need you to know that I have serious issues with my gender. I am transgender and identify as ftm – female to male. This is not a choice, I was born this way. I have known who I am my whole life. I am not sure when I first realised something about me wasnt right, but the first time I said anything to verbalise how I feel inside is very clear to me.

I was 4 maybe 5 at most and talking to Kerry. I cant remember how it came about but I told her that Im not really a girl but when I was a baby the doctors made a mistake at the hospital and glued a plastic minny over my willy.

Sounds daft now right? But I always knew my body doesnt match who I am. I now have reached the point where I need to live as me, I cannot keep up the pretense any longer. It breaks my heart everyday to have to keep living a lie.

I’m sorry if this comes as a shock to you, but I’d like to think that on some level you already knew before reading this letter. I need to know that you still love me and accept me as your son.

In tomorrow’s post you will receive a book called “The Transgender Debate” please read it. I know that by being open I am likely to lose a lot of people in my life, I really dont want you to be one of them.

I will try to answer any questions that you have, and look for answers with you if I dont know or cant find the right words to explain. Hopefully the book I am sending you will help with this too.

I love you please done forget that, and I hope you can accept me now I am being honest with you.

Your son

What does everyone think, does it sound ok? I dont want to over do it but need her to know the same.

Poem

Why is it no-one can see
Who I am, the real me
The friends who know are by my side
I pray for the day I no longer hide
Im sick of all the pain I feel
Steven is so very real
I hate it when they think of she
But she does not relate to me
My body is wrong why cant you tell
Living this way for me is hell
I choose my clothes for Steve’s desires
Being more myself my look inspires
Kirsty died so long ago
I hear her name, I think “oh no”
I cant keep up this pretense no more
To try hurts me to the core
I wait for the day when I hear my name
And its not wrapped up in a box of shame
I am Steve and Steve is here
Kirsty’s gone, she’s nowhere near
4 years old she went away
Steve was left wanting to play
My mother should know her daughter’s her son
If she accepts me, i’ll know i’ve won