London Film and Comic Con

I spent this past weekend staying in London for the convention. I figured that I could just be myself not being around anyone that I know, and it was wonderful! It was so liberating to just be myself. I now know that I pass publicly, which allowed me to use the gents and be introduced to people as Steve, no make believe, no pretense.

I was referred to as “sir” twice, called a gentleman, and a lovely woman told her kids that if they didnt sit still the man – me – would tell them off!

I felt so good being myself that coming home is all the more upsetting, having to put the mask on again and be someone else. Hopefully it wont be long and I can be open, throw away the mask for good.

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Packer Day 2

After 2 days of constantly wearing Mr Right, I can say for certain it is amazing!

It stays in position perfectly, and warms to my body temperature quickly.

It was definitely the right choice to spend a bit more for this level of quality.

On a different note, I watched “Boys Dont Cry” again today, and feel that I need to say something about the importance of Brandon Teena’s life for all of us trans guys. Because of his struggle and brutal murder, there is so much more awareness that MtF is not the only form of transgenderism, and because of him the streets are a little safer for us all. Thanks.to a combination of this awareness and the ubiquitousness of the internet, it is possible for all us trans guys to purchase specialist packers rather than packing with socks. We are at best accepted and at worst tolerated in todays society, and Brandon’s story has the ability to move the masses to tears.

Thank you Mr Teena. RIP Sir.

I have spent much of today reflecting on my life and the many advantages I have. Had I been born into a previous century I wouldnt have the freedom to just be myself but would have no choice to play act my whole life. I am sure that some “women” would have been transmen, and yet have to fit in with society, feeling wrong and never knowing why.

I’m going to make a serious effort not to ever complain again.

Letter

I have decided to write a letter to my mum to come out to her rather than risk an argument in person before she’s had time to think things through. What do you think:

Mum,
First please know that I love you, but I am also aware that after reading this you may see that as irrelevant.

I have decided to write to you to allow you time to process what I am about to tell you so there isnt an argument on the basis of a knee jerk reaction.

Know that it has taken a lot for me to be able to write this and be honest with you, but I need you to know that I have serious issues with my gender. I am transgender and identify as ftm – female to male. This is not a choice, I was born this way. I have known who I am my whole life. I am not sure when I first realised something about me wasnt right, but the first time I said anything to verbalise how I feel inside is very clear to me.

I was 4 maybe 5 at most and talking to Kerry. I cant remember how it came about but I told her that Im not really a girl but when I was a baby the doctors made a mistake at the hospital and glued a plastic minny over my willy.

Sounds daft now right? But I always knew my body doesnt match who I am. I now have reached the point where I need to live as me, I cannot keep up the pretense any longer. It breaks my heart everyday to have to keep living a lie.

I’m sorry if this comes as a shock to you, but I’d like to think that on some level you already knew before reading this letter. I need to know that you still love me and accept me as your son.

In tomorrow’s post you will receive a book called “The Transgender Debate” please read it. I know that by being open I am likely to lose a lot of people in my life, I really dont want you to be one of them.

I will try to answer any questions that you have, and look for answers with you if I dont know or cant find the right words to explain. Hopefully the book I am sending you will help with this too.

I love you please done forget that, and I hope you can accept me now I am being honest with you.

Your son

What does everyone think, does it sound ok? I dont want to over do it but need her to know the same.

Off

Been feeling a bit low recently. Dont feel so sure of myself or as secure as I should.

From bouncing that my 2 best mates are still here for me to feeling this low. I cant explain why, I just dont know. With my birthday coming up next week and having to play a role for my family when I can now be myself with my friends. I hope I wont have to hide much longer. Living as 2 separate people is tearing me apart. How can I possibly explain to my family when their world view means that I need to be cured rather than supported.

I wish they would look beyond my genitals to see the man I am. Oh well, maybe someday they’ll see and accept me for me.

It breaks my heart to put on this charade around the people I should be able to be me around. One day maybe….