Questions

I live on the ground floor of a 3 storey block of flats, a woman on the top floor has an issue with me as a disabled person. “Cripple” “freak” and “spastic” are her usual insults. She regularly takes my rubbish from the wheelie bins and scatters it about in the hope that I will be evicted so “normal” people dont need to be around me. I have to wonder if my trans status would mean I would be in danger from not just her but others around here who think the same way. Will I get beaten, attacked, murdered? I have thought hard about how much to let on to my neighbours and other members of the local community, how much they will notice with my transition, but havent really given any thought to my safety in my quest for happiness and discovery of the true me. Yet as her torment worsens over my disability I have to face issues of my safety regarding my trans status. I admit that in the bigoted view of some people I’m not “normal” – disabled, in the wrong body…

How am I to handle this?
Where do I start?
I’m hoping at the next Trans meeting some of the women there have faced similar hate from others to help guide me through.

In the mean time I am now too scared of the abuse I get that I dont go outside if I can help it. Living like this stinks but what can I do?

Oh well, hope she will meet her match soon… I dont feel I should have to continually defend who I am.. One day….

Letter

I have decided to write a letter to my mum to come out to her rather than risk an argument in person before she’s had time to think things through. What do you think:

Mum,
First please know that I love you, but I am also aware that after reading this you may see that as irrelevant.

I have decided to write to you to allow you time to process what I am about to tell you so there isnt an argument on the basis of a knee jerk reaction.

Know that it has taken a lot for me to be able to write this and be honest with you, but I need you to know that I have serious issues with my gender. I am transgender and identify as ftm – female to male. This is not a choice, I was born this way. I have known who I am my whole life. I am not sure when I first realised something about me wasnt right, but the first time I said anything to verbalise how I feel inside is very clear to me.

I was 4 maybe 5 at most and talking to Kerry. I cant remember how it came about but I told her that Im not really a girl but when I was a baby the doctors made a mistake at the hospital and glued a plastic minny over my willy.

Sounds daft now right? But I always knew my body doesnt match who I am. I now have reached the point where I need to live as me, I cannot keep up the pretense any longer. It breaks my heart everyday to have to keep living a lie.

I’m sorry if this comes as a shock to you, but I’d like to think that on some level you already knew before reading this letter. I need to know that you still love me and accept me as your son.

In tomorrow’s post you will receive a book called “The Transgender Debate” please read it. I know that by being open I am likely to lose a lot of people in my life, I really dont want you to be one of them.

I will try to answer any questions that you have, and look for answers with you if I dont know or cant find the right words to explain. Hopefully the book I am sending you will help with this too.

I love you please done forget that, and I hope you can accept me now I am being honest with you.

Your son

What does everyone think, does it sound ok? I dont want to over do it but need her to know the same.

Poem

Why is it no-one can see
Who I am, the real me
The friends who know are by my side
I pray for the day I no longer hide
Im sick of all the pain I feel
Steven is so very real
I hate it when they think of she
But she does not relate to me
My body is wrong why cant you tell
Living this way for me is hell
I choose my clothes for Steve’s desires
Being more myself my look inspires
Kirsty died so long ago
I hear her name, I think “oh no”
I cant keep up this pretense no more
To try hurts me to the core
I wait for the day when I hear my name
And its not wrapped up in a box of shame
I am Steve and Steve is here
Kirsty’s gone, she’s nowhere near
4 years old she went away
Steve was left wanting to play
My mother should know her daughter’s her son
If she accepts me, i’ll know i’ve won

Off

Been feeling a bit low recently. Dont feel so sure of myself or as secure as I should.

From bouncing that my 2 best mates are still here for me to feeling this low. I cant explain why, I just dont know. With my birthday coming up next week and having to play a role for my family when I can now be myself with my friends. I hope I wont have to hide much longer. Living as 2 separate people is tearing me apart. How can I possibly explain to my family when their world view means that I need to be cured rather than supported.

I wish they would look beyond my genitals to see the man I am. Oh well, maybe someday they’ll see and accept me for me.

It breaks my heart to put on this charade around the people I should be able to be me around. One day maybe….

Update

My class are amazing!!! So supportive, i couldnt have wished for better. Jason and Martin said they knew there was something without being sure what.

Dean came round and said that binding hides my chest really well. Apparently his moobs are bigger than mine so yet again I’m on a high 🙂

The best day Ive had so far on this journey!!

College

I am going to college as me today. New jacket, new t shirt, new binder, new jeans, new boxers, new socks and new shoes. I am so excited. If anyone works out who I am great but I am toying with the idea of telling my class.

I dont have any of the other students in my personal life so cant lose anything if they dont want to know. We’ll see how it goes and i’ll add an update later 🙂

Amazing day

Went to the job centre this morning, and on leaving went into town with my friend Dean. I think him knowing the truth qbout me has brought us closer as friends because now we’re just 2 guys out together. Ive never felt so at ease and less like having to put on a front.

I ordered my new binder this morning, so cant wait for it to arrive. I just feel like now I can say this is me, Im here. Like it, great, have a problem, fuck you! Ive never felt this sure of myself or this comfortable in my own skin. Its like since telling Mark and Dean I am finally free to be me and have enough confidence to not give a damn what the overall population has to say about it. As much as Im not ready to be completely out there yet, this for me is a huge leap forwards and it feels fantastic