New relationship

I am a very happy guy right now, I have known Victoria for the past 8 years, and she has known that I am trans for nearly all of that time, which is great in itself, but for the past 2 weeks we have been seeing each other romantically.

This girl is amazing, I have never felt so free, so invigorated – she embodies everything I have ever dreamt of. Some may think it odd that nothing physical has happened between us yet, but I dont see why we need to rush into anything. I really like her, I dont see why I should have to rush headlong into anything for it later to be deemed a catastrophic mistake.

We shall see where this leads but Im hoping with such a long and solid friendship backing us up that we may be able to go the distance.

Exam

Well I successfully completed my AS, I got a B in my exams!!! I feel a bit guilty though knowing Matthew my little brother failed all of his. He could have done so well if only he’d put down his Yu-Gi-Oh cards and told his mates “not tonight lads”.

I remember being 17, its not easy. You think you know everything and anyone who contradicts that view hasnt got a clue. Life would be much better if kids (Matthew especially) would learn to take advice from those of us who have been there, walked that road, and been knocked down a time or two to boot.

It will never happen and that innocence to know it all lasts but a short time in the overall scheme of things before the real world comes along and shakes everything up – what a shock to see how much gas, electric, water and food really cost, and thats just regular concerns. I think Matt still believes that the cupboards magically refill themselves, water comes free with the house, and electric and gas.. They’re automatic human rights arent they?! Oh the unending joys of the teenage mind, and how the world looks before WORK.

Hopefully he’ll buck up his ideas and make something of himself as I am trying to do. Only time will tell, but in his defence I failed at 17 too.

Thoughts

Today I went to an old disused church for my A Level coursework. The Church was built in the 12th century, and partially demolished in 1852 when the new bigger church was built near by.

I need to share my feelings over the experience. I saw an old grave headstone dating from 1765 for a William Phelps who passed away aged 96. His headstone said that he was gone to join his late beloved wife Abigail and son Luke. Nothing unusual there you might think, but the headstone beside William’s was for Abigail and Luke. She passed away aged just 21, 3 months after burying Luke aged just 18 months.

Seeing these graves affected me in ways I could never have imagined, and I cant imagine what was worse for William – losing his wife and young son so close together, or living so long without them. From the wording on his headstone it seems as though William never got over his devastating loss, never remarried and spent his life waiting for the day he would rejoin his family.

It breaks my heart to think of Abigail, 21 and burying her baby, and William, still a young man burying his wife and child, living a long life – even by todays standards – without them. Baby Luke died younger than my own son is now. Suddenly I feel so grateful that he is happy and healthy, and I find myself recommitting to being the best parent I can be and to spend my life devoted to making him happy.

Questions

I live on the ground floor of a 3 storey block of flats, a woman on the top floor has an issue with me as a disabled person. “Cripple” “freak” and “spastic” are her usual insults. She regularly takes my rubbish from the wheelie bins and scatters it about in the hope that I will be evicted so “normal” people dont need to be around me. I have to wonder if my trans status would mean I would be in danger from not just her but others around here who think the same way. Will I get beaten, attacked, murdered? I have thought hard about how much to let on to my neighbours and other members of the local community, how much they will notice with my transition, but havent really given any thought to my safety in my quest for happiness and discovery of the true me. Yet as her torment worsens over my disability I have to face issues of my safety regarding my trans status. I admit that in the bigoted view of some people I’m not “normal” – disabled, in the wrong body…

How am I to handle this?
Where do I start?
I’m hoping at the next Trans meeting some of the women there have faced similar hate from others to help guide me through.

In the mean time I am now too scared of the abuse I get that I dont go outside if I can help it. Living like this stinks but what can I do?

Oh well, hope she will meet her match soon… I dont feel I should have to continually defend who I am.. One day….

London Film and Comic Con

I spent this past weekend staying in London for the convention. I figured that I could just be myself not being around anyone that I know, and it was wonderful! It was so liberating to just be myself. I now know that I pass publicly, which allowed me to use the gents and be introduced to people as Steve, no make believe, no pretense.

I was referred to as “sir” twice, called a gentleman, and a lovely woman told her kids that if they didnt sit still the man – me – would tell them off!

I felt so good being myself that coming home is all the more upsetting, having to put the mask on again and be someone else. Hopefully it wont be long and I can be open, throw away the mask for good.

Packer Day 2

After 2 days of constantly wearing Mr Right, I can say for certain it is amazing!

It stays in position perfectly, and warms to my body temperature quickly.

It was definitely the right choice to spend a bit more for this level of quality.

On a different note, I watched “Boys Dont Cry” again today, and feel that I need to say something about the importance of Brandon Teena’s life for all of us trans guys. Because of his struggle and brutal murder, there is so much more awareness that MtF is not the only form of transgenderism, and because of him the streets are a little safer for us all. Thanks.to a combination of this awareness and the ubiquitousness of the internet, it is possible for all us trans guys to purchase specialist packers rather than packing with socks. We are at best accepted and at worst tolerated in todays society, and Brandon’s story has the ability to move the masses to tears.

Thank you Mr Teena. RIP Sir.

I have spent much of today reflecting on my life and the many advantages I have. Had I been born into a previous century I wouldnt have the freedom to just be myself but would have no choice to play act my whole life. I am sure that some “women” would have been transmen, and yet have to fit in with society, feeling wrong and never knowing why.

I’m going to make a serious effort not to ever complain again.

Packer

My new packer arrived this morning, and after playing around with a range of different underwear ive found that tighter boxers work best.

I got the Mr Right from Vixen Creations and can only say 1 thing about it: Amazing! I felt an intense confidence boost straight away. I have heard that the Mr Right causes you to look like you have a permanent boner, and with looser boxers I would agree, but with tighter underwear it just gives a wonderful natural looking bulge.

I am ecstatic right now, and feel that I now look a lot more like me… Why couldnt I have just been born this way?

My first packer was a Mr Limpy, but had a range of problems with that, it was far too pink for starters, and also far too stretchy. It was easily squashed so my “bulge” just looked like a crease in my jeans 😦 It also had a tendency to go for a walk even when harnessed. The Mr Right on the other hand, Ive been wearing for 2 hours now and it hasnt moved out of position once!

So now Im off to face the world, manhood intact and see where my new confidence takes me!