Pre T hair

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Im really happy with my hair growth, not taking T I wasnt expecting it to have grown this well. It seems like I have more than my brother, and amazingly I have so much more confidence now its getting thicker. I’m pleased, what do you think?

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Poem

Why is it no-one can see
Who I am, the real me
The friends who know are by my side
I pray for the day I no longer hide
Im sick of all the pain I feel
Steven is so very real
I hate it when they think of she
But she does not relate to me
My body is wrong why cant you tell
Living this way for me is hell
I choose my clothes for Steve’s desires
Being more myself my look inspires
Kirsty died so long ago
I hear her name, I think “oh no”
I cant keep up this pretense no more
To try hurts me to the core
I wait for the day when I hear my name
And its not wrapped up in a box of shame
I am Steve and Steve is here
Kirsty’s gone, she’s nowhere near
4 years old she went away
Steve was left wanting to play
My mother should know her daughter’s her son
If she accepts me, i’ll know i’ve won

Quantum leap

Watched the Quantum Leap episode What Price Gloria? And felt like watching me… He leaped into a woman and had to convince everyone he was her. I could so relate to the uneasiness felt when having to present a female front while sure in the knowledge of being a man.

Off

Been feeling a bit low recently. Dont feel so sure of myself or as secure as I should.

From bouncing that my 2 best mates are still here for me to feeling this low. I cant explain why, I just dont know. With my birthday coming up next week and having to play a role for my family when I can now be myself with my friends. I hope I wont have to hide much longer. Living as 2 separate people is tearing me apart. How can I possibly explain to my family when their world view means that I need to be cured rather than supported.

I wish they would look beyond my genitals to see the man I am. Oh well, maybe someday they’ll see and accept me for me.

It breaks my heart to put on this charade around the people I should be able to be me around. One day maybe….

Update

My class are amazing!!! So supportive, i couldnt have wished for better. Jason and Martin said they knew there was something without being sure what.

Dean came round and said that binding hides my chest really well. Apparently his moobs are bigger than mine so yet again I’m on a high 🙂

The best day Ive had so far on this journey!!

College

I am going to college as me today. New jacket, new t shirt, new binder, new jeans, new boxers, new socks and new shoes. I am so excited. If anyone works out who I am great but I am toying with the idea of telling my class.

I dont have any of the other students in my personal life so cant lose anything if they dont want to know. We’ll see how it goes and i’ll add an update later 🙂