Awesome!!!

My binder arrived and I put it on. I feel fantastic. Ok so its not 100% but with a dd cup it was never going to be perfect. It just feels so much better to not be so visible. Under my clothes its really not obvious, with a haircut I feel that I could pass.

I feel on top of the world. Going to ask Dean to come over to get another persons opinion but I feel soooo happy 🙂

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Amazing day

Went to the job centre this morning, and on leaving went into town with my friend Dean. I think him knowing the truth qbout me has brought us closer as friends because now we’re just 2 guys out together. Ive never felt so at ease and less like having to put on a front.

I ordered my new binder this morning, so cant wait for it to arrive. I just feel like now I can say this is me, Im here. Like it, great, have a problem, fuck you! Ive never felt this sure of myself or this comfortable in my own skin. Its like since telling Mark and Dean I am finally free to be me and have enough confidence to not give a damn what the overall population has to say about it. As much as Im not ready to be completely out there yet, this for me is a huge leap forwards and it feels fantastic

Woo Hoo

Just told another friend who I really am! And just like Mark he not only accepts me for me but also believes he probably already knew!

Im bouncing right now. Both of my closest friends know who I am, and neither of them have done a runner. I was so scared and apparently it was for no reason yet again.

I dont know if they realise just how happy I am that they havent turned their backs on me! I am floating somewhere above cloud 9, i could never have dreamt that I could be this happy.

Well to continue my story

Went to my counselling appointment this afternoon. My counsellor believed that Mark has probably always known Im trans and Ive been fooling myself in thinking he doesnt.

I called him as soon as I got home and said to him “um mate, im really a guy on the inside, i thought i should tell you” his reaction was something I could never have predicted! He said “about time you told me, i’ve known that since we were 12”. I feel totally euphoric right now. My best mate has always known and he genuinely accepts me through and through. Now I dont need to keep up any pretense around him at all. Not that I was trying to hard at that to begin with!

Seems like I waited 14 years too long to open up to him when he knew anyway and stayed by my side. This is amazing!

I suddenly feel able to take on the world. Im still not ready to tell anyone else yet though

My life as a secret transman

Nothing gave me more pleasure than the day my change of name deed arrived, but this was my private pleasue – I couldnt tell a soul. I was finally legally me, yet no one could find out.

I am Steven, and for the first time, on paper at least, it was acknowledged. I couldnt tell anyone about it, but the joy I felt was all consuming. I was finally being honest, with myself at least.

I was born nearly 26 years ago, healthy, 7lb 13.5 oz. Female they said. I’m not sure when I first realised that classification was wrong, but I do remember the first time I admitted that it wasnt who I was, or indeed am.

I was four years old, sitting in my bedroom – pink as my mother thought it should be – talking to my sister. I told her that the doctors made a mistake in the hospital and glued a plastic minny over my willy. Sounds daft now, and all these years later I have realised that it was the first time I was to verbalise feelings that I am a transman. I didnt understand how I was feeling properly and I didnt know that, far from being the only one, there is a name for what I am. Everytime I was asked the question “are you a boy or a girl?” it hurt me, not because the asker didnt know, but because with how confused I felt, how
could I answer? “I dont know” just wasnt an appropriate answer.

I began fooling around sexually at 8, not because I wanted to as much as to attempt to cover up for being male on the inside. Jack was the first, but he would by no means be the last, heck he wasnt even the only one at that time. My worst nightmare also happened that year – periods. It shouldnt have happened to me, an 8 year old boy trapped in a girls body, it was something I should never have had to deal with, but to cope so young was hell.

Over the years I’ve tried everything to avoid going through that ordeal every month. The pill didnt work, the injection made the bleeding constant, the coil did nothing at all.

The year I was 8 was hell for me, it stood to confirm in me that I was wrong as a person, it knocked my confidence completely – something I still havent fully recovered from.

At 11 I moved on to secondary school, where my problems just got worse. I was overweight, wore glasses and my one and only friend was male. To this day Mark still doesnt know I’m transgender. The whole 5 years at that school I was bullied, the other kids called me the Beast, Yeti, Hippo… The list goes on.

Everyday I was beaten up, and still I was asked “are you a boy or a girl?” and still I didnt know how to answer. With my best (and only) friend by my side. I could cope with it, well better than without him. When we were 14 everything changed. Mark’s mother passed away from cancer. His dad thought it best that the family move closer to his late wife’s family. Even though we kept in touch through letters and phone calls it wasnt the same. At school the bullying got worse – or maybe I just perceived it that way – and I began seriously considering suicide for the first time. The hurt I felt took over everything, and even reporting the bullies did nothing but make it worse still. Through everything I’d been through Mark had been there, without him I was lost. I couldnt see a way through it. I was sent to an educational psychologist to deal with “emotional and behavioural problems”. No one noticed that my behaviour was a direct result of trying to defend myself after years of verbal and physical attacks.

Already I was deemed too butch to fit in with the girls, but born with the wrong bits to be one of the lads. I felt so confused, I couldnt ever belong with the girls because of how uncomfortable I felt in that category yet I didnt belong with the boys, where I felt more comfortable because legally I wasnt one. As far as I could see, I didnt belong anywhere, there just wasnt a place for me. The depression worsened, and I began to think seriously about who I was and what I was about. I knew in myself I was a straight man, but made the concious decision to try to force myself to become one with my body. Not to change my body to fit me but to change me to fit the body. I stopped talking to anyone, shut myself off emotionally from everyone and everything. I immersed myself fully in my school work. At home I didnt leave my bedroom, I couldnt be myself around my family so made the decision to avoid them. I couldnt face the possibility that I might reveal too much and be rejected for it.

I left school at 16 and started attending counselling at the college. Counselling didnt really work for me because I couldnt be truly open and honest. I started to believe that I deserved all the bullying because I was neither one gender or the other, having sex with men to keep up appearances but fantasizing about being one whenever I allowed myself the chance to be myself.

Leaving home was the best thing for me. I was 17 and living in a hostel, but behind closed doors I could finally admit to who I am. Not openly with people but alone I could be myself. Still publicly I was determined to live up to my genitals.

One night I went for a few drinks with some friends and met the man I was to spend the next 8 years with. Jake was everything I wanted to be. Two day stubble, hairy chest and most of all, a penis. The one benefit of this relationship was simply that no one would have found out my secret. Who would guess the girl in the long term relationship would dream of being a man? 6 years in I would have his baby.

Being pregnant was awful. Everytime my baby moved it made me feel sick. It should have been impossible but there I was having a baby. Well this is me. My son is now 2. We’ll see what the future holds.